不在人“世”了

(Courtesy of Terry's email)

方便不方便

(感谢 CCM 转寄电邮)


有一剛學過點兒中文的美國老外來到中國，中國朋友請他吃飯。
到了飯店落座，中國朋友說：“對不起，我去方便一下。”
見老外不明白，在座的中國朋友告訴他說“方便”在中文口語裏是“上廁所”的意思。
哦，老外意會了。

席中，中國朋友對老外說：“希望我下次到美國的時候，你能幫助提供些方便。”
老外納悶了：他去美國，讓我提供些廁所幹嗎？

道別時，另一位在座的中國朋友熱情地對老外說：“我想在你方便的時候請你吃飯。”
見老外驚訝發愣，中國朋友接著說：“如果你最近不方便的話，咱們改日。”
老外無語。

“咱找個你我都方便的時候一起吃飯。”
老外說：“我方便的時候不吃飯。”
老中說：“那喝酒也行。”
老外說。。。。。。

Senior Citizens

(Courtesy of TO Lau's email)


An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.


The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'


The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Gan Bei

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Donald)


A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.


The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, "Gan Bei" (Cheers).


The English man was confused but he continued eating.


This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say "Gan Bei".


The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.


Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, "Gan Bei" whilst lifting up his glass.


This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,


"It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY! I'll pay for you! So just shut up".

Typing Errors

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Francis)


A daughter sent a telegram (sent via postman) to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."


A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram (someone did this) to his wife, "I wish you were here."

The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her.."


A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake in a cake shop. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"


Moral of the Story:(We are all guilty one time or another!)

1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.
3. Don't order anything esp cakes by telephone.

Life Explained

Courtesy of forwarded email from Francis)


God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past . For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play , marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

坟场奇事

（感谢 Kam 转寄电邮）


有一美女下夜班，被一好色男子尾随跟踪。美女很害怕，正好路过一片坟地，好色男子正要下手。美女走到一座坟墓前说：" 爸爸，开门吧，我回来了。" 吓的好色男子狂奔而去。


美女为自己的聪明得意地笑了起来，哪知笑声未落，从坟墓里传出一个阴森森的声音说：" 闺女，你咋又忘记带钥匙了呢？" 吓得美女尖叫著跑了。

这时，一个盗墓者从坟墓里爬了出来，说：" 影响我工作，吓死你。" 突然发现墓碑前有一老者，手拿凿子在刻墓碑，就好奇地问：" 你在干吗？" 老者生气地说：" 这些不肖子孙把我的墓碑都刻错了，只好自己来改啦。" 盗墓者一听，吓得撒腿就跑了。

看著盗墓者的背影，老者冷笑道：" 跟老子抢生意，吓死你。" 一不小心，凿子掉地上了，老者正要弯腰去拾，却看见从草丛中伸出一只手，同时还有个冷冰冰声音：" 啊，敢乱改我家的门牌号。" 吓得老者连滚带爬地跑了。

一个拾荒者从草丛中爬出来，捡起地上的凿子，感叹道：" 这年头，捡块烂铁还得费这么大神。


祝辛苦挣钱的朋友们天天快乐!
如果你笑了！让更多人分享这份快乐！

笑话

（感谢Eva转寄电邮）


唐伯虎與祝枝山是好朋友，唐伯虎非常喜歡和祝枝山談論有關泡妞的事。

唐伯虎家中有八個老婆，所以他以此自豪，常說天下沒有他搞不定的女人，祝枝山半信半疑。

有一天，祝枝山告訴唐伯虎，後山住著一個寡婦，守寡三年，把貞節視為生命，只養了一隻老鷹相依為命，如果能搞定這個女人，那我祝枝山對您五體投地。

唐伯虎想一想，便讓祝枝山過幾天來聽消息。

過了兩天，下起了傾盆大雨，唐伯虎等到半夜，爬上了後山，到了寡婦家門口。

唐伯虎敲了敲門，問道：「能不能讓我避避雨？」

寡婦開了門，原來是江南才子唐伯虎， 連忙讓他進屋，唐伯虎進了門，連連道謝。

接著又問道：「可不可以將濕的衣服脫掉？」

寡婦一看衣服全濕了，連忙把衣服拿到灶上烘乾，這時，唐伯虎又問：「大嫂，我口渴了，借我一口瓢，讓我喝口水行嗎？」

寡婦連忙拿了一口瓢給唐伯虎。

唐伯虎喝完了水，看看很晚了，問寡婦：「大嫂能否讓我在這裡過一夜？」

寡婦想了想，屋外雨下得正大，也就答應了，將唐伯虎領至客房，唐伯虎進了客房，也不客氣，倒頭便睡。

第二天天亮，唐伯虎起床得早，悄悄走進院子，果然看見那隻相依為命的老鷹。

唐伯虎抓住老鷹，把毛都拔了下來，然後，也沒和寡婦打聲招呼，就回了家。

過了幾天，唐伯虎和祝枝山在家下棋，聽見有人敲門。

祝枝山開了門，原來是那寡婦，寡婦看見唐伯虎就破口大罵：「唐伯虎啊唐伯虎，你是江南文人，一代才子，為何要做這種齷齪事來？那天我看你挺可憐，好心開門讓你進來。你要避雨，我就讓你避雨；你要脫，我就讓你脫；你要瓢，我就給你瓢；你要過夜，我就讓你過夜。

你說，你為什麼把我的鷹毛都拔光了？」

祝枝山在旁聽得目瞪口呆。...