(Courtesy of Francis' email)
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes..
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches e good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Brilliant answers
(Courtesy of Francis' email)
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Give an account of a beach.
A. An account tree grows near the shore.Its fruits sweet and distilled nutritious water from the sea.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Give an account of a beach.
A. An account tree grows near the shore.Its fruits sweet and distilled nutritious water from the sea.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Monday, September 20, 2010
堪称的是超复杂的关系！
(感谢CCM转寄电邮)
楊振寧82歲時娶了28歲的翁忛。如今，翁忛68歲的父親翁雲光和楊振寧18歲孫女小楊喜結連理，不知道他們怎麼稱呼對方了。
記者就此採訪了翁帆父親翁雲光說："他們完全理解和支援我的選擇，小楊願意為照顧我的晚年生活作出犧牲，這是一種美德，也是光榮。不要給我和楊振寧孫女造成壓力。"
他表示楊振寧將與其妻子到潮州參加他與其孫女的婚禮。
翁雲光今年68歲，已離婚3年。
"對於我和楊教授孫女訂婚的消息，女兒一個多月前就跟她親生母親說了。雖然她們覺得有點意外，但不覺得難以接受，她們是開明的女人。"翁雲光說。
小楊從讀中學至今一直在外工作和生活，已具有一定的人生閱歷和社會經驗，也形成了自己的價值觀，相信她觀察事物的眼光比翁帆還要深刻。
"做父母的應該尊重兒女的正確選擇，做祖父得更應該支援孫女的正確選擇。"翁雲光說。
翁雲光說："我完全體會到，小楊對我的感情絕非幾天幾個月的事情，而這種感情首先是萌發於對我的為人、涵養、品德、學識的仰慕。我們的這次人生選擇不違背社會倫理，情感是非常純潔的，他們當然沒有理由反對。"
翁雲光在接受採訪時說：" 楊教授為科學，為人類，為世界，為國家作出那麼大的貢獻，需要有人照顧他的生活。翁帆毫不顧慮年齡上的巨大差異而選擇作為楊教授的伴侶，照顧他的晚年生活，協助他的工作，是一種美德，就算作出一些犧牲也是光榮的。所以同理，楊振寧的孫女照顧我的晚年生活，作為我的伴侶也是合理的。"
據瞭解，楊振寧攜其孫女1995年到汕頭觀看第一屆物理學家大會期間曾到潮州參觀。這也是翁雲光第一次在潮州看見小楊，當時他53歲，小楊3歲。(莫非此時就來電?)
這真叫人暈!暈!暈! 你讀讀看:
翁帆是楊振寧的太太，翁父就是楊振寧的岳父，
楊振寧是翁父的女婿，
小楊是楊振寧的孫女，小楊也是楊振寧的岳母，
翁父是楊振寧的孫女婿，楊振寧也就成了小楊的女婿，同時成了翁父的岳祖父。
翁帆應該叫小楊媽媽，也就是說翁帆是小楊的女兒，
楊振寧的老婆是自己孫女的女兒，
也就是說楊振寧和自己玄孫女結婚了。
翁帆是小楊的祖父的老婆，小楊應該叫翁帆奶奶。
也就是說翁帆既是小楊的女兒，又是小楊的奶奶，
小楊的女兒應該管小楊的奶奶叫太奶奶，小楊的奶奶應該管小楊的女兒叫玄孫女，所以說翁帆應該管自己叫太奶奶同時管自己叫玄孫女。
楊振寧既然和自己的玄孫女（也就是小楊的女兒）結婚了，那麼楊振寧應該管小楊叫岳母，楊振寧的兒子（簡稱楊兒）應該叫小楊（自己女兒）婆婆。
翁父娶了楊兒的女兒，那麼翁父是楊兒的女婿，
而楊振寧是翁父的女婿，就是說楊振寧是自己兒子女婿的女婿。
翁帆嫁給了楊振寧，那麼楊兒管翁帆叫媽媽，楊兒就是翁帆的兒子，前面又說了翁帆是小楊的女兒，那麼翁帆就是楊兒的外孫女，也就是說楊兒是翁帆的外祖父。
哇哩勒∼暈暈暈暈暈暈暈 !!!!!!!
就這麼四口人，搞暈了13億中國人，真 TMD 厲害啦！
等那天楊振寧的孫女生出個仔子來......
呵∼∼∼ 那不又得搞死一堆人！
楊振寧82歲時娶了28歲的翁忛。如今，翁忛68歲的父親翁雲光和楊振寧18歲孫女小楊喜結連理，不知道他們怎麼稱呼對方了。
記者就此採訪了翁帆父親翁雲光說："他們完全理解和支援我的選擇，小楊願意為照顧我的晚年生活作出犧牲，這是一種美德，也是光榮。不要給我和楊振寧孫女造成壓力。"
他表示楊振寧將與其妻子到潮州參加他與其孫女的婚禮。
翁雲光今年68歲，已離婚3年。
"對於我和楊教授孫女訂婚的消息，女兒一個多月前就跟她親生母親說了。雖然她們覺得有點意外，但不覺得難以接受，她們是開明的女人。"翁雲光說。
小楊從讀中學至今一直在外工作和生活，已具有一定的人生閱歷和社會經驗，也形成了自己的價值觀，相信她觀察事物的眼光比翁帆還要深刻。
"做父母的應該尊重兒女的正確選擇，做祖父得更應該支援孫女的正確選擇。"翁雲光說。
翁雲光說："我完全體會到，小楊對我的感情絕非幾天幾個月的事情，而這種感情首先是萌發於對我的為人、涵養、品德、學識的仰慕。我們的這次人生選擇不違背社會倫理，情感是非常純潔的，他們當然沒有理由反對。"
翁雲光在接受採訪時說：" 楊教授為科學，為人類，為世界，為國家作出那麼大的貢獻，需要有人照顧他的生活。翁帆毫不顧慮年齡上的巨大差異而選擇作為楊教授的伴侶，照顧他的晚年生活，協助他的工作，是一種美德，就算作出一些犧牲也是光榮的。所以同理，楊振寧的孫女照顧我的晚年生活，作為我的伴侶也是合理的。"
據瞭解，楊振寧攜其孫女1995年到汕頭觀看第一屆物理學家大會期間曾到潮州參觀。這也是翁雲光第一次在潮州看見小楊，當時他53歲，小楊3歲。(莫非此時就來電?)
這真叫人暈!暈!暈! 你讀讀看:
翁帆是楊振寧的太太，翁父就是楊振寧的岳父，
楊振寧是翁父的女婿，
小楊是楊振寧的孫女，小楊也是楊振寧的岳母，
翁父是楊振寧的孫女婿，楊振寧也就成了小楊的女婿，同時成了翁父的岳祖父。
翁帆應該叫小楊媽媽，也就是說翁帆是小楊的女兒，
楊振寧的老婆是自己孫女的女兒，
也就是說楊振寧和自己玄孫女結婚了。
翁帆是小楊的祖父的老婆，小楊應該叫翁帆奶奶。
也就是說翁帆既是小楊的女兒，又是小楊的奶奶，
小楊的女兒應該管小楊的奶奶叫太奶奶，小楊的奶奶應該管小楊的女兒叫玄孫女，所以說翁帆應該管自己叫太奶奶同時管自己叫玄孫女。
楊振寧既然和自己的玄孫女（也就是小楊的女兒）結婚了，那麼楊振寧應該管小楊叫岳母，楊振寧的兒子（簡稱楊兒）應該叫小楊（自己女兒）婆婆。
翁父娶了楊兒的女兒，那麼翁父是楊兒的女婿，
而楊振寧是翁父的女婿，就是說楊振寧是自己兒子女婿的女婿。
翁帆嫁給了楊振寧，那麼楊兒管翁帆叫媽媽，楊兒就是翁帆的兒子，前面又說了翁帆是小楊的女兒，那麼翁帆就是楊兒的外孫女，也就是說楊兒是翁帆的外祖父。
哇哩勒∼暈暈暈暈暈暈暈 !!!!!!!
就這麼四口人，搞暈了13億中國人，真 TMD 厲害啦！
等那天楊振寧的孫女生出個仔子來......
呵∼∼∼ 那不又得搞死一堆人！
I am fine
(Courtesy of TO Lau's email)
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning him.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the Hell would you say?"
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning him.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the Hell would you say?"
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Mulu Caves
(Courtesy of Francis' email)
These incredible images show British scientists on an expedition to map a 'never-ending' cave network in a project that dates back more than 30 years.
The twisting network of caverns underneath Gunung Mulu National Park, in Sarawak, Borneo, contains the largest cave chamber in the world, the largest cave by volume and what is believed to be the largest cave passage.
Scientists carry out bi-annual visits into several caves and have so far mapped out an incredible 186 miles of the underground network.
Making a splash: Expedition leader Tim Allen inspects the 'Shower Head' - a calcium-formed funnel which transports rain water from the surface into caves underneath Gunung Mulu National Park, in Sarawak, Borneo.
Using lasers and other equipment they measured the dimensions of different sections of the numerous caverns stretching throughout the UNESCO World Heritage site and feed them into a computer to build up the map.
Working with Borneo's National Parks authority, the team of Brits also began mapping the area above the caves to help tourists trekking between the cave mouths know where they are.
Leaving a mark: Andy Eavis compares his hand size to ancient prints left in Black Hands Cave.
Cavernous: Deer Cave is home to more than three million bats and is believed to be the largest cave passage in the world.
Vast: The north entrance of Deer Cave - which measures nearly 390ft wide and more than 900 ft high - is just one of a network of 180miles of caverns.
Location map
These incredible images show British scientists on an expedition to map a 'never-ending' cave network in a project that dates back more than 30 years.
The twisting network of caverns underneath Gunung Mulu National Park, in Sarawak, Borneo, contains the largest cave chamber in the world, the largest cave by volume and what is believed to be the largest cave passage.
Scientists carry out bi-annual visits into several caves and have so far mapped out an incredible 186 miles of the underground network.
Making a splash: Expedition leader Tim Allen inspects the 'Shower Head' - a calcium-formed funnel which transports rain water from the surface into caves underneath Gunung Mulu National Park, in Sarawak, Borneo.
Using lasers and other equipment they measured the dimensions of different sections of the numerous caverns stretching throughout the UNESCO World Heritage site and feed them into a computer to build up the map.
Working with Borneo's National Parks authority, the team of Brits also began mapping the area above the caves to help tourists trekking between the cave mouths know where they are.
Leaving a mark: Andy Eavis compares his hand size to ancient prints left in Black Hands Cave.
Cavernous: Deer Cave is home to more than three million bats and is believed to be the largest cave passage in the world.
Vast: The north entrance of Deer Cave - which measures nearly 390ft wide and more than 900 ft high - is just one of a network of 180miles of caverns.
Location map
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