廁所對聯

Is my time up?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

English in numeric

进入公司前后

有一说一

某省一領導到乡下視察，晚飯安排在一牧民家。

領導客氣讓牧民先進門，牧民受寵說： 
“ 還是領導前面走，俺養豬牛雞鴨的，跟在牲口後面慣了 ”。 
領導聽後不悅。

鄉長連忙請領導坐定，並吩咐牧民趕緊上菜，牧民端上一盤清炒蕃薯葉放在領導面前。久吃大魚大肉的領導，大讚地說： “ 真好吃! 這是什麼蔬菜? ” 
牧民忙說：“ 這是土裡隨便拔出來的蕃薯葉賤菜，平時俺都是拿去餵豬的 ” 。
領導頓時臉色下沉。

鄉長見狀連忙讓牧民一起吃飯---------少說些話，牧民卻說： “ 領導先用，俺不忙，每天這個時間俺得先喂完豬後才吃飯，都習慣了 ”。

鄉長氣急：“ 你會不會說話？” 

牧民哭喪著臉： “ 俺平時和畜生說話說慣了，不會和人說話....”

不在人“世”了

(Courtesy of Terry's email)

苏轼机智幽默佚事十则

（感谢TOLau转寄电邮）



1、反唇相讥

相传，苏东坡一次与王安石同行，偶见一房子根基已动，一面墙向东倾斜。

王安石出上句以戏东坡：“此墙东坡斜矣！”

苏东坡仰头大笑，即吟下联反讥王安石：“是置安石过也！”

嵌名为巧，双关尤妙。(注:二人政见不同,关系不是很好)


2、针锋相对

苏东坡被贬黄州后，一居数年。一天傍晚，他和好友佛印和尚泛舟长江。正举杯畅饮间，苏东坡忽然用手往江岸一指，笑而不语。佛印顺势望去，只见一条黄狗正在啃骨头，顿有所悟，随将自己手中题有苏东坡诗句的扇子抛入水中。两人面面相觑，不禁大笑起来。

原来，这是一副哑联。苏东坡的上联是：狗啃河上（和尚）骨。

佛印的下联是：水流东坡尸（东坡诗）。

3、投石引诗

秦少游娶苏小妹时，被一难再难，及至新房门口，苏小妹再出一联：闭门推出窗前月。

秦观思索良久不得下联，苏东坡有心相帮，在远处拾一石子远远丢进湖中，秦少游受到启发，冲口而出：投石冲开水底天。


4、年少轻狂

苏轼年少时，天资聪颖，他广泛阅读诗书，博通经史，又长于作文，因而受到人们的赞赏，自矜之情亦随之而萌。

一日，苏轼于门前手书一联：“识遍天下字；读尽人间书。” “尽”与“遍”对，活画出苏轼当时的自傲之心。没料到，几天之后，一鹤发童颜老者专程来苏宅向苏轼“求教”，他请苏轼认一认他带来的书。苏轼满不在乎，接过一看，心中顿时发怔，书上的字一个也不认识；心高气傲的苏轼亦不免为之汗颜，只好连连向老者道不是，老者含笑飘然而去。

苏轼羞愧难当，跑到门前，在那副对联上各添上两字，境界为之一新，乡邻皆刮目：“发愤识遍天下字；立志读尽人间书。”


5、寺态炎凉 （有些版本指郑板桥-- AngWS 注）

苏东坡游莫干山时到一寺中小坐。寺中主持和尚见来了个陌生人，就淡谈地说：“坐。”又对小和尚喊：“茶。”

两人落坐交谈后，主持和尚发现对方脱口珠玑，料想此人不凡，就请客人进厢房叙谈。入室后，主持和尚客气地说；“请坐！”又叫小和尚：“敬茶！”


再一打听，方知来者是赫赫有名的苏东坡，主持和尚连忙作揖打恭地引他进客厅，连声地说：“请上坐！”并吩咐小和尚：“敬香茶！”苏东坡临走时，主持和尚请他题副对联。苏东坡胸有成竹，含笑挥毫，顷刻书就：

坐，请坐，请上坐。
茶，敬茶，敬香茶。

6、少游犯难

一天，苏东坡和妹夫秦少游出城到郊外游玩，见小路上有个用三块石头垒起的“磊桥”。

苏东坡用脚踢了一下石桥，同声吟出一句上联：踢破磊桥三块石。
他回头看看秦少游，要他对出下联。秦少游想了很久也没对出下联，回到家里闷闷不乐。
苏小妹看丈夫一脸不悦之色，只道是出了什么事，一问才知是为了一句对联。
她二话没说，就在一张纸上写了个“出”字，同时用剪刀剪成两段。
秦少游眼睛一亮，道出下联：剪断出字两重山。


7、巧退豪门

据说，苏小妹为了找到如意郎君，曾以文选婿。当时消息一传出，呈文求婚者不计其数。其中有一豪门公子叫方若虚，他对小妹倾慕已久，闻讯后连忙应选。他呈上得意诗文若干篇，谁知小妹一看，淡如白水，便提笔在上面批了一联：笔底才华少，胸中韬略无。

苏东坡看到小妹的对联，可急坏了。方府豪门是得罪不起的，为了避免是非，便悄悄在小妹的联语后面各添一个字，把对联改成：笔底才华少有，胸中韬略无穷。

方若虚读后真是欣喜若狂，他急于要见苏小妹以表衷肠。苏东坡知道小妹根本看不上他，生怕玩笑开大了不好收场，急忙托故阻止，说：“我妹妹文才是有些，但其貌不扬，脸长，额突，不信我给你念首诗便知：去年一滴相思泪，至今流不到腮边。未出房门三五步，额头先到画堂前。

方若虚怎知是苏东坡在骗自己，还真以为苏小妹很丑，于是怏怏地走了。

8、月下花前

一日，苏洵来到后花园内，只见山石间流过一泓淙淙碧水，微风中送来阵阵花香。红日西下，绿树掩映，一弯新月挂在半天之上。这位老先生顿时诗兴大发，忙唤来苏轼和小妹，三人拂石而坐，苏洵说道：“如此佳境，不可无诗。如今老夫拈出‘冷’、‘香’二字，我们各自吟出两句诗来，且要将此二字依次作为上下句的末字，吾儿以为如何？”

兄妹一起应道：“父亲说得好。”

苏洵见儿女一起应允，十分高兴，首先吟出两句诗来：
水向石边流出冷，风从花间过来香。

苏轼一向以诗词著称，听了父亲的诗句，以为过平过俗，不以为佳。谁知正当他沉吟之际，调皮的小妹却开口道：“兄长平日作诗，思路何等敏捷，想当初嘲弄小妹额角长得高，那‘未出庭前三五步，额头先到画堂前’的诗句，得来何等迅速，今日缘何思路闭塞？”

苏东坡一听，知道小妹又在调皮了，只是微微一笑，便吟出两句诗来：
拂石坐来衣带冷，踏花归去马蹄香。

这苏小妹诗词歌赋、琴棋书画无不精妙，听了父兄的诗句，两相比较，觉得还是哥哥的略高一筹。心中寻思道：“长兄的诗句好则好，但嫌欠雅。”小妹略加沉思，恰好远处传来杜鹃的啼鸣，她闻声生情，也信口因此两句诗来：
叫月杜鹃喉舌冷，宿花蝴蝶梦魂香。

小妹诗句刚吟出，父兄不禁齐声赞好。

9、绝妙字谜

苏东坡被贬岭南为官，一日无事游山，只见一个小和尚跪在庙门口眼泪汪汪，十分奇怪，忙问小和尚因何如此？小和尚哭诉道，因为他在点灯时不小心将灯盏碰翻在地，打碎了。老和尚不但打了他，还罚跪庙门口三日。苏东坡一听很气愤，便走入庙内去见方丈。

庙中的方丈一听说是当朝才子苏学士来访，喜出望外。苏东坡一进庙门，那老和尚就百般奉承，死乞白赖地央求苏东坡留个手迹。

苏东坡对这个方丈十分憎恶，但为了使庙门口那个小和尚不再受苦，他答应了老和尚的请求，说：“写字可以，但必须请庙门口那个跪着的小和尚前来为我磨墨展纸。”

老和尚一听，立刻满脸堆笑，连声答应说：“阿弥陀佛，老纳遵从吩咐。”

小和尚磨好墨，展开纸，苏东坡奋笔疾书，一幅对联一挥而就：
一夕化身人归去，八千凡夫一点无。

时隔不久，佛印云游来到此山，见了对联捧腹大笑，问老和尚：“这幅对联原是两个字谜，你没猜出来吗？”老和尚连忙追问是什么意思，佛印要过纸笔，挥毫写了两个字，拂袖而去。（一夕匕=死 ，八千几=秃。）


10、苏妹妙对

一天，苏东坡对苏小妹说：“都说你才智不凡，你要是能在一夜对好我出的对子，我就佩服你。”苏小妹笑答：“何须一个晚上。”苏东坡看她满有把握，就说出他的上联：
水仙子持碧玉簪，风前吹出声声慢。

苏小妹听罢，暗称难度大，竟一时对不起。过了一会，她见月光下一个丫环端来茶水，触景生对：
虞美人穿红绣鞋，月下引来步步娇。

东坡听了妹妹对的下联，连声赞妙。这副对联恰到好处地嵌入“水仙子”、“虞美人”、“碧玉簪”、“红绣鞋”、“声声慢”、“步步娇”六个曲牌名，而且用拟人手法赋予具体形象，出对巧，应对更妙。

Brilliant answers

(Courtesy of Francis' email)


The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Give an account of a beach.
A. An account tree grows near the shore.Its fruits sweet and distilled nutritious water from the sea.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.     (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.     (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U..     (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.     (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.     (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.      (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.     (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.     (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

I am fine

(Courtesy of TO Lau's email)


A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning him.


"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.


However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"


"Now tell me, what the Hell would you say?"

Sweet tea

(Courtesy of Francis' email)


A woman, beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Senior Citizens

(Courtesy of TO Lau's email)


An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.


The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'


The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Stress Management

(Courtesy of Francis's email)

Marital Humor

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Donald)

A Mother-in-law, or rather Monster-in-law, decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her.

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.

Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a Honda City, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same Honda City with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedes with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law!

---

Girlfriend!

After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.

"This is Adam," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

---

Wife and Mistress

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.

"She flirt with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

---

Good Wife

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this.

Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

---

The Secret of Longevity

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled."My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

---

Attractive Wives

Robert was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Robert's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

---

Breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

---

Married Men

There is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a woman organisation called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous. ..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

---

Valentine's Day Gift

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".

---

Marriage is Hell

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked."Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is !"

Gan Bei

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Donald)


A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.


The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, "Gan Bei" (Cheers).


The English man was confused but he continued eating.


This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say "Gan Bei".


The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.


Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, "Gan Bei" whilst lifting up his glass.


This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,


"It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY! I'll pay for you! So just shut up".

The power of punctuation!

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Donald)


An English professor wrote the words:

"A women without her man is nothing"

on chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

"A women, without her man, is nothing."

All of the females in the class wrote:

"A women: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful!

Future Airport Security Check 2

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Donald)

Future Airport Security Checks

(Courtesy of forwarded emails from Donald)


Certainly a big possibility no doubt!! 
LOL.............

Interesting Eye Teaser

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Francis)

More than likely you said, "A bird in the bush," and........
if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see that the word THE is repeated twice!
Sorry, look again.



Next, let's play with some words.
What do you see?

In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL (inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too, because it visualize the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the absence of good is evil ).



Now, what do you see?

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion. Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?



What do you see here?

This one is quite tricky!
The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.



Last one.
What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in brown, but.......
when you look through ME
you will see
YOU!

Do you need to look again?

什麼是民主政治

（感谢 Donald 及 CCM 转寄电邮）


小明在唸小學，老師給他一篇作業〝什麼是民主政治〞。
他跑去問老爸，老爸想了就說：

這也不難，像我每天努力工作賺錢養你們，我就是財團。

我賺的錢全被你媽拿走了，所以你媽媽就是政府。

我們合力來養你，所以你就是我們的人民。

你哥哥整天游手好閒到處闖禍，是個壞人。

但是他女朋友乖巧可愛，是好人。

咱家菲庸每天做家事很辛苦，她就是勞工。

至於你剛滿週歲的弟弟年紀還小，他就是我們的未來！

這樣你懂了吧？

小明似懂非懂，就開始寫報告去了。
到了深夜，仍想不出來。
忽然聽到弟弟房裡傳來哭聲，跑過去看，原來弟弟拉大便。
他就趕快去找媽媽，但是媽媽卻沉睡不醒。
他又跑去找菲庸，卻見爸爸正壓在菲庸身上一起一伏忙得很。
只好去找哥哥，原來哥哥正趴在女友身上，也在做和爸爸一樣的事。
小明也沒辦法，只好回房去寫報告....內容如下：

當財團在欺壓勞工，

壞人在壓迫好人時，

人民束手無策，

政府卻又沉睡不醒 。

所以，我們的未來～充滿了大便！！

Typing Errors

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Francis)


A daughter sent a telegram (sent via postman) to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."


A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram (someone did this) to his wife, "I wish you were here."

The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her.."


A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake in a cake shop. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"


Moral of the Story:(We are all guilty one time or another!)

1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.
3. Don't order anything esp cakes by telephone.