Alan Kopitiam: April 2009

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

TEST FOR DEMENTIA 癡呆症检验

(Courtesy of forwarded email from K.C.)（感谢K.C.转寄电邮）

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. Let's find out just how clever you really are.
下列有四個問題及一個加分題，你必須立刻回答，不能花時間慢慢想，讓我們看看你有多聰明。準備好，開始!

First Question：第一題

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?
你參加賽跑，追過第2名，你是第幾名？

Answer：If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!
解答：如果你的回答是第1名，你就錯了！你如果追過第2名，你只是取代那人的位置，你是第2名。

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
回答第2題，你不能再花相同的時間，必須快一些。

Second Question ：第二題

If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?
你參加賽跑，你追過最後一名，你是第幾名？

Answer： If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You're not having a good time at this! Are you?
解答：如果你的回答是倒數第2名，你又錯了！告訴我，你怎能追過最後一名？顯然你並未樂在其中！

Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
很詭異的算術！這只能在腦中盤算。不要使用紙與筆或計算機，試試看。

Third Question：第三題

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
以1000加上40，再加1000，再加30，再加1000，現在加上20，再加一次1000，現在加上10，總數是多少？

Answer：Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
解答：得到5000是嗎？正確答案是4100，不相信，用計算機查證吧！

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
今天對你鐵定諸事不宜，或許最後一題你會對？

Fourth Question：第四題

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Mary的父親有5個女兒，第1個女兒Nana，第2個女兒Nene，第3個女兒Nini，第4個女兒Nono，第5個女兒的名字是什麼？

Answer：Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
解答：答案是Nunu嗎？不！絕對不是，她的名字是Mary，請重看問題！

Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with this one！
好，現在是加分題。這題可稍稍解救﹝彌補﹞你！

Bonus Question : 加分題

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
一個啞巴想買牙刷，他模仿刷牙的動作，成功的向店主表達，也完成了購買。現在如果一個瞎子想買一副太陽眼鏡，他要如何表達？

Answer：He just has to open his mouth and ask. He's blind, not mute - so simple.
解答：他只要張開嘴問即可。他是瞎子，不是啞巴。就這麼簡單！

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE 'SMART PEOPLE' IN YOUR LIFE
把這個傳下去，以便打擊那些你生活中遇到的「聰明人」 !!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Chicken a la Carte

Synopsis: This film is about the hunger and poverty brought about by Globalization. There are 10,000 people dying everyday due to hunger and malnutrition. This short film shows a forgotten portion of the society. The people who live on the refuse of men to survive. What is inspiring is the hope and spirituality that never left this people.

View this movie at cultureunplugged.com

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

非同凡想

（感谢 Joanne 转寄电邮）

Upgrade from Boyfriend to Husband

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Ken)

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

Reply:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:
Boy friend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Confusing Chinese Names

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Francis)（译为中文，就没那么传神了）

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

======================================================

This is hilarious ...

Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names:

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin) 肮脏
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin) 安静
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin) 灰尘
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien) 你死了
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin) 煎蛋
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien) 输死了
Henny Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin) 恨你妈
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien) 可怜呆
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin) 破产
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin) 鸟生蛋
Lassie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin) 垃圾桶
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien) 脚毛长
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese) Call你妈
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien) 等你死
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien) 螺丝钉
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien) 鼻涕屎
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese) 没死过

Pass around for some laughter

Monday, April 13, 2009

Fascinating

(Courtesy of forwarded email from Francis)

Fascinating

View more presentations from alanleo55.

该上几年级

（感谢 Tom 转寄电邮）

1位1年級的女老師最近被他的1個學生所困擾。

老師問：『你怎麼了？』
學生回答說：『我太聰明了，1年級對我來說太簡單了。我比我姐姐都聰明，可是她卻在3年級。我覺得我也應該上3年級！』

老師已經受夠他了。於是她把學生帶到了校長辦公室。她向校長解釋了一下學生的情況。校長建議應該給學生1個測試，如果他答錯了任何1個問題，他就應該待在1年級裡。老師同意了學生被叫進了辦公室，老師向他說明了校長的意思，學生也同意了。

校長：『3乘3等於幾？』
學生：『9』

校長：『6乘6等於幾？』
學生：『36』

就這樣，校長問了很多3年級的問題，學生都回答正確。
於是校長對老師說：『我想他可以到3年級上課了。』

老師說：『讓我問他幾個問題吧。』
校長和學生都同意了。

老師：『什麼東西牛有4個而我只有2個？』
學生：『腿。』

老師：『什麼東西你褲子裡有而我的褲子裡沒有？』（校長對學生老師問的問題感到很奇怪，她為什麼要問這些問題，校長想。）
學生：『口袋。』

老師：『什麼東西以C開頭，T結尾，上面有很多毛，橢圓型，含有令人陶醉的，乳白色的液體？』
校長的眼睛睜著大大的，想阻止老師繼續問下去
學生回答說：? 『椰子（Coconut）。』

老師：『什麼東西進去的時候是即紅又硬，而出來的時候是軟的、有黏液的？』
學生：『泡泡糖。』

老師：『什麼事情男人要站著做，女人坐著做，狗用3條腿做？』
學生：『尿尿。』

老師想了一想說：『現在我將問你幾個'你猜我是什麼'的問題，可以嗎？』
學生：『好的！』

老師：『你用棍橕在我的裡面，把我頂上，再把我支起來。而我在這之前就變濕了。』
學生：『帳篷。』

老師：『手指會進入我。當你煩躁的時候你會玩弄我。最好的男人一直會有我。』
學生：『結婚戒指。』

老師：『進入過我的東東有大有小。當我不舒服的時候，我就會滴下水滴。當你吹我的時候，你會感到很舒服。』
學生：『鼻子。』

老師：『我有1個堅硬的杆。我的頭可以插入到別的東東。隨後，那東西就會全身顫抖。』
學生：『箭。』

老師：『什麼單詞以F開頭，K結尾，並且有讓人興奮的意思。』(FUCK??)
學生：『救火車（Firetruck）。』

老師的問題終於問完了，校長鬆了一口氣，擦了擦額頭上的汗說：『讓學生到5年級吧！剛剛你問的那十道題我都全答錯了。』

老師又問：『當我摸摸你的那裡，同時也摸摸我的那裡，然後掰開我的，塞進你的，我是在做什麼?』
學生：『扣釦子。』

校長：『讓他到6年級吧.』